A few Sunday's ago Pastor Ken preached an awesome sermon, I've included it in this post so all you have to do is click on it and you can hear it. I won't go into detail because I won't do it justice. But what it came down to is "as for me and my house we will serve the Lord". He gave us an opportunity to go get a rock from the back and write our name on it and put it at the alter. By writing our name on a rock and putting it on the alter, meant as for me and my house we will serve the Lord. But it also meant many other things, for example, putting aside idols, making relationships right, turning from sin in your life and those are just a few examples. Please listen to Pastor's Ken's full message, as it truly was a great message. As I walked to the back and got my rock, I wrote my name on it and began to walk to the alter. I discovered the rock was rather dirty, I began to brush it off, to make it clean. This immediately made me thing of myself! I am dirty, unclean, full of sin and yet, Jesus brushes me of and makes me white as snow. Pure. White as snow. Clean and pure before His eyes. Because I have confessed of my sins, I am pure and clean in His eyes, I am His pure Bride. How can you not be humbled by that thought???? *side note....this was something I struggled with for a number of years because of being divorce and other things since then, but through my Grace counseling with Wendy & Donna, Wendy made me realize what I referred to above and it was so freeing!!!!* So for me my rock stands for Christ. I live day to day, sometime moment by moment with the chronic migraine pain that I suffer from (and I will share more about that later in this post) but God is my rock. He is my firm foundation. I took a picture of my rock, it's a bit blurry, I apologize...but I wanted to show you my rock. Not to boost, but to be held accountable. I placed my rock to say, I'm going God's way, even when the times are hard, even when the pain is awful and unbearable, I'm going God'a way.
Then here is a picture of all the rocks. I wanted you to be able to see the full view. God moved in the hearts of many lives that day. And through the series they are staying there, so each week we see them as a reminder! Amen to that!!!!
So please, before you go any further in this post, if you were not at the service, please listen to Pastor Ken's message below, because I so did not do justice in explaining what he shared!
My rock as I mentioned is Christ. It also includes the ups and downs in life, my health, my day to day walk with the Lord. So many things. But one thing remains the same, I'm going God's way. So in regards to my health. I know God has a plan. I know that God can heal me in regards to my migraines. I went in yesterday for my every 3 month Botox treatment with my Neurologist, which I really like and I feel is very good at what he does. I had been in a tremendous amount of pain leading up to this appointment, so my whole entire head was hurting. Normally I'm not phased my the Botox treatments, which is about 30-some injections in my head and neck. But yesterday it was extremely painful, I think because I was in so much pain already. He talked to me about how we are at the end of the road when it comes to options of preventative migraine medications. I am currently still taking one, and he made some adjustments to that, so we will give it a few weeks to see how that goes, if no improvement, then I will wean off of that one, which means I will be taking no migraine preventatives. Which I am fine with, because they have not been helping to decrease the migraines and the side effects have not been easy to deal with. He has a doctor joining his team that does Biofeedback in January and would like me to see that provider as soon as he joins the team. Other than that, he had to change the medication that I take when the pain spikes, not that it helped. So we are trying something else, however insurance is trying to fight it. It's all a never ending battle. My Neurologist also mentioned some "exciting" new things coming down the pipeline for migraines but in 1-2 years. I can't fathom waiting that long, living like this. I am still on the waiting list for UofM, but if there treatment plan is anything like the hospitalization treatment plan I just went through I will not put myself through that again! So again, I take life one day at a time and pray. It's in God's hands, He is the ultimate Physician and I know that He can heal me. I will continue to trust in Him and His love and faithfulness. I will be honest, I'm human and on the really bad days like yesterday, when the tears are flowing from pain, I just cry our Lord, please show yourself to me. And that's when I rely on my prayer warriors the most and you faithful pray and I'm so thankful for each and every one of you!!!! For God is good and He is faithful!!!
And if you know much about me, you know how much God speaks to me through music, so I'm ending with this song! It's a great one! I know He hold my life, my future in His hands!!!! And I'm SO thankful for that, I wouldn't want to be in anyone else's hands!!! I'm going God's way. AMEN!!!!
Well, I started a FB post but got kicked out, so I'm doing a blog post instead! It's been a while, so I thought I would update. Oh, where to even begin....
First off, the beginning of October I was admitted to Blodgett hospital for treatment in efforts to break the migraine cycle and was there for 9 days My Neurologist had done it before but not here. And I was the lucky one to be the first to go through it. Unfortunately, it was not fun at all. I was loaded up on tons of things that made me have some pretty awful, scary side effects.And to top it all off, it did nothing for my pain!!! :(
There is 1 entire day that I don't even remember anything, which is a little unsettling for me. But anyway...according to my mom...I had severe Hallucinations,to the point that they were considering putting me in a drug induced coma, because apparently it took multiple people to hold me down. They said that was a side effect from one of the many, many meds I was getting. I had no clue what the potential side effects might have on me long term. I couldn't put words together, I was hearing and seeing things that weren't there. Then absolutely horrific one I had was that my brother Kyle had been killed in a horrible accident and I wanted my parents to come and tell me. My doctor came in to do rounds and saw how upset I was and I told him what I thought to be true, he was crying with me!!! He then stepped out to call my mom of the validity of the story and she said, no he's fine. My doctor came back to tell me, but I had my self so worked up and it was just awful....I'll spare you more details. I feared that I'd never be able to watch Ian or Annalise again. That my parents wouldn't be able to care for me and I'd end up in a care facility (yes, it was that bad!!!). I could give example after example of how awful it was and then through it all it didn't do any thing for my pain. I was frustrated, but more than anything, I feared what my life would be like when I got out of the hospital? Would God restore everything? Trust me, it was a very real battle inside.
It was probably one of the worse experiences I've been through in life, but I had to give it a try. So now, I ask you to prayer even harder and ask God to intervene and work a miracle, or send the right doctors to cross my path!!! I can tell you that the physical pain definitely has changed my life, but I'm also more thankful for the little things in life and giving God all the glory & praise!!! I know He has a plan, I pray daily that I'm walking the way He would want me to walk. Having faith in Him and leaning into Him through this process!!! Trusting Him...even on the days when I'm in extreme pain. I know that God loves me and I am His child. He knows my every need, He knows my pain....that's where my faith comes into play...I have to let go and let God!!!!
One more thing....below is a picture of myself, my dad and his 2 parents, so my grandparents who are both in Heaven. My grandfather had 1 sister, Aunt Barb (so she's a Great Aunt to me, technically) is so sweet and her husband has not been in good health for quite some time. She was caring for him at home, but it became too much, so he went into a home. I don't know exactly how long he's been there, but he has been getting worse since being there. Long story short, he passed away last night. Fortunately, for Aunt Barb she has their 2 sons that live right near her, 1 is actually right across the street, so they'll be around to help her out. But it's still a loss and an empty hole in the lives of those left behind. I know this, because I can relate. All 4 of my grandparents are in Heaven....what I wouldn't give for one last hug or phone call or anything! My prayer for all of them is that God would fill them with the peace that only He can give.
So my 2nd cousin Kandice, must have been going through pics with the family & comes across this picture and she sent it to me.
I can tell by the picture that this must have been around one of the times that Grandma was doing Chemo based on how her hair looks (either way, she's beautiful and glowing!!!). But the smiles on both of their faces is priceless. I so wasn't expecting to see this and I was immediately moved to tears. My dear Grandma has been in Heaven for 18 years. It's hard to believe that she's missed nearly half of my life. And yet it seems like just yesterday that I remember walking home (to their house) from church. I'm so thankful for the memories I have of her. I miss her dearly...I always thought about the milestones in my life that she would miss...my high school graduation, talking to her about dating, my wedding (which I clearly have nothing to brag about in that department), etc.... I was the only granddaughter on both sides, so I fully expected to have those moments with both of my grandmothers but God had other plans.
If you are my age (for those of you that don't know my age, you'll have to guess...lol), if you still have living grandparents....CHERISH that time, make memories!!!! Be thankful they are still here!!!! Another thing that hit me really hard was in the hospital when I thought Kyle had been killed in this accident, my first thought was "what was the last thing I said to him". I am telling you friends, this was/is so very real in my memory!!! Don't take your family, your relationships for granted, you never know when it might be the last time you see them. Think about how you treat them. Do you treat them with love and respect? Or are you continuously harping on them about something? It can be a spouse, a child, a friend, a parent. This applies to so many different types of relationships. This world has created an environment of us needing to be on the go all the time, and we are running here, there and every where. Slow down. We have no promise of tomorrow. You may think I'm on my soapbox, but I'm telling you this is true. It's something to think about. I can tell you that week in the hospital gave me a new perspective on life and how I approach my relationships and those people in my life. What I value and what I want to invest my time in. Wish God could've used something else to get my attention, but apparently that's what it took. And what I'm talking about is being completely sincere, not just a quick love ya, out the door, I'm running late. Nor does it have to be this drawn out 5 minute, in depth conversation....but we need to slow ourselves down and look at how much we have to be thankful for in our lives. God being at the top of that list and being able to worship Him freely and know that one day we will meet Him face to face and be reunited with our loved ones who have gone before us. But while we remain on earth, I would encourage you to pause and just think about what I've shared. I know life is crazy busy, especially for those of you working and having kiddo running around. Don't forget about the small stuff. Personally, it's changed my heart and outlook on life. I love how God works that way....are you willing to let God work that way in your life? In your families life? It could be life changing! Trust me...it's the little things that can make a huge difference!!!
One more sleep and then I will be admitted into Blogett Hospital in GR on the Neurology floor for approximately 7-10 days into their new Headache Clinic with the intention of breaking the cycle of my continuous migraine that I have now had for 2+ years. This will be done all through medications. It's not a particular test or procedure. There is a protocol of medications that they will follow and it will all be based upon how my body reacts. I will be getting a PICC line first thing tomorrow morning (thank you Lord!), since my veins are so beat up and abused from all the many IV's that I have had over all the years. The PICC line will be inserted by a Radiologist and that will be my continuous source for IV medications and they will also be able to draw blood from there as well, or at least that is the intention. My Neurologist has trained the staff and has put this program in place here in GR over the past 10 months that he has been here. This program is not new to him, but new to GR. I will be the first patient going through it here in GR. I truly am blessed with an amazing Neurologist that never gives up and always has another plan and always has compassion and listens to what I have to say. I'm so very thankful that I got into him as soon as I did, he has a huge wait list now! He's a wonderful doctor!!! Thank you Lord for that!!! And his PA, and staff are all great too. Anyway, Friday morning I met with him and had all my "pre-admission" stuff done and we talked a bit about what this was all going to "look" like. He said the medications would more than likely make me very sleepy/groggy and even sedated. I could also experience hallucinations, so that could make things interesting. So if I post crazy stuff on FB you'll know it's me seeing things on top of having no brain or memory because of the other meds I'm on!!! At least it will be entertaining....lol!!! All joking aside, there is a lot riding on this treatment plan. My Neurologist is very hopeful and optimistic that this will break the cycle. I will admit I have wavered pretty much daily in regards to this. I've fought with giving it to God and letting go. Getting my head and my heart on the same page. This morning in church I finally laid my fears, my anxiety, my insecurity, my "what if's" at the foot of the cross and put it all in the hands of God, the Great Physician. Of course it hit my like a ton of bricks during a song (God always seems to speak to me through song). The song is called "This We Know". I'm going to add the song in here, and the words as well. I couldn't even sing the words...we trust you....we trust you....your ways our higher than our own. The tears were flowing, God was reaching out to me, His child. I felt Him saying no matter what the out come, trust me. And then the message was along the same lines....don't fight your battles on your own...trust me!!!! Keep trusting and leaning on ME!!! For greater is HE that is in ME than anything that comes my way!!! Pastor Ken has been taking us through Joshua and discussing battles. Man, do I feel like I'm smack dab in the middle of a battle!!! Yup, I sure do!!! But no matter the battle, no matter how hard and painful the battle is....I am to TRUST God!!! Keep trusting....Keep leaning!!!! Words I needed to hear this morning. Was I in pain sitting there this morning? Yes. But God still met me there and spoke to my heart. I'm trusting God has a plan, I don't know what it is, but I will keep trusting....and keep leaning for I am not facing this battle on my own!!! Praise God for that!!!!
This We Know - Vertical Church Band You are who say you are You’ll do what you say you’ll do You’ll be who you’ve always been to us Jesus Our hope is in you alone Our strength in your mighty name Our peace in the darkest day remains Jesus
CHORUS This we know We will see the enemy run This we know We will see the victory come We hold on to every promise you ever made Jesus, you are unfailing
Our God through the wilderness Our joy through the heaviness Our way when it seems there is no way Jesus
BRIDGE We trust you We trust you Your ways are higher than our own
I know it's been quite a while since I have last posted and I apologize, but I have felt God nudging me that it was time for an update. While I can't promise this will be short, I can promise that I'm speaking directly from my heart and being completely open and honest with you. I hope that you will take the time to read this. I will get a brief disclosure here to start out with...due to some of the medications that I am on for my migraines I struggles with words at times. What I intend to say doesn't always come out the right way. So, I apologize in advance if that happens, I will do my best to have this make sense, but I can tell you that I'm on Day #4 of more intense pain than normal and then my brain tends to struggle even more to function properly. All things that I face day to day and it's very frustrating for me.
The past few months, maybe even longer, the migraine pain has increased. I still have them 24/7. Nothing seems to provide any sort of relief, I just try to function the best I can possible. Some days, the pain is so bad I'm just unable to leave the house. Some day, I force myself and push through the pain....which sometimes works and sometimes I pay for it in the long run (ie: the pain gets even worse). I never know when I wake up in the morning what type of day I'm going to have. And for those of you that know me well, know that that's not how I roll. I'm a detail person, have my calendar and have everything planned. Well, these migraines have changed that part of my life, for sure!!!! I live 1 day at a time, sometimes moment by moment. I will admit that is frustrating for me because I hate to have to cancel on people, or be unable to make an appt or whatever the case may be because I can't get out of the house because the pain is too intense. I would say along with the increased pain, the frequency and intensity of the pain has become more frequent, as well as much more nausea. I also have a lot of neck pain, but I'm still seeing my Chiropractor for that and that does seem to help. (he's not the cracking kind, as I can't have that since I had my back surgery) I've been pretty open to options of trying things that could potentially help. A week ago, I got my Daith's pierced in both ears. This had been recommended to me by a number of people and I figured I might as well trying it, at this point, like I mentioned, I'm pretty open to trying as long as they aren't going to cause a ton more pain because I'm over that!!!
So what is the next step? Well, I'm still on the waiting list for U of M. BUT, my Neurologist in Grand Rapids is working on a 7-day inpatient program to try and break the cycle of the migraine. This is my 3rd Neurologist and he is truly wonderful. The previous 2 basically said, we can't do anything else for you and wanted me to go to a pain clinic and just get all drugged up on narcotics and that doesn't solve anything. My Neurologist is new to Spectrum and I was able to get in with him right away in November when he first cam. I'm told now there is a waiting list to see him because he specializes in Migraines/Headaches. So praise the Lord for that!!!! He has been working since November to get this inpatient program set-up and with my healthcare knowledge I know it's not a quick and simple process. He's doing he's best to get things moving and I will be the first patient to go through it. They already started the pre-authorization process with my insurance and I got a call today that they had a few set backs, but he's hoping to have it all in place very soon. So, as I mentioned the goal will be to break the cycle of the migraine. He has some 'cocktail' worked out & I will be on meds 24/7 in attempts to break the cycle. Then at that point at that time, if (as he said when) the migraine breaks, he feels he can diagnose and treat that migraines. He said I will always have them, but he is working towards a much more manageable, functionable amount, where I can try and live life!!! He also has said to me that I will have to ease back into the "real word". Because it's been 2 years, my body is so drained from the pain. I will need to build back my strength and he said that's going to take some time.
So why do I share all these things with you? Well number one, many have asked for updates and number 2, I need to ask for some prayer requests and there are a few things I wanted to share and number 3, I really felt God prompting me to do this.
At church Pastor Ken has been doing a series on Psalms, Encouragement From God's Hymnal. I have very much enjoyed this series. As I promised in a post earlier, I am going to put a link, so you can listen to last weeks message, it was so good! I won't say a ton about the sermon, as I'm going to include the link so you can listen, but it talked about being Thirsty for God & How to Survive in the Wilderness. The first point was **Rush to God's Arms** Psalm 63:1-4 It sure caused me to stop and think about my current situation. The chronic pain from the migraines, unable to work, living with my parents....again. And of course the unknown future. It prompted me to do some soul searching. Where does my faith in God really stand? Have a full given Him my heart, my everything and trust that nothing surprised Him and He has a plan for why I'm walking this road that I'm on for a reason. BUT....do I rush to God's arms???
Music is also an avenue that God speaks to me, I love music!!! I so miss singing on the praise team, wayyyyy back in my high school days!!!! Anyway, Vertical Church Band is absolutely AMAZING and I got there new CD and so now that's playing in my car. So many great songs are there, but just a couple I wanted to share that I feel God is speaking to me through. This song, is so the desire of my heart!
"Your Mercy" is one of my new favorites...I am so unworthy of His mercy....yet His mercies are new every day. God truly is good and such a gracious and loving God.
So, I've had a picture of this tattoo for a while and knew I wanted to get it eventually. Well, last week when I when and got the Daith piercings this place also does tattoo's, so talked to one of the artists and got this done yesterday. For me, not only it is unique (but that's not what I did it)....it's a daily reminder that I need to rely on my faith in God for everything.....yes EVERYTHING!!!!!
I never expected to be 35, living with my parents (again), divorced twice, battling chronic daily migraines that leave me unable to work and sometimes function on my own. I never expected a lot of what has occurred in my adult life. But none of it was a surprise to God. He knew everything and He knows what my future holds, for He holds it in His hands. I know that he could work a miracle and heal me. I know that he could send the right physicians my way with the right knowledge and break the cycle of the migraine. But for whatever reason, He is not choosing to do that at this time. He has other plans.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate those of you that pray for me, it truly means so very much to me. My faith is clearly still a work in progress. I have my ups and downs, basically emotional. Like today was just a tough day due to an accumulation of things. As I mentioned earlier I'm on Day #4 of more intense pain than normal and it's wearing on me pretty good. ER just doesn't seem to provide much relief anymore...nothing does really. I'm not trying to be "debbie-downer"...but this is the reality of my life right now. My mom and I recently had a conversation and we both agreed we just don't know how long I'm going to be living with them, especially considering the slow pace we are moving so far. That was a reality check. Don't get my wrong, I'm so very, very thankful for my parents allowing me to live with them and my 4-legged kiddos and all they do for me. I'd be lost without them. But I just don't know what the future holds...hence my whole "purging" spree that I've been on and will continue to be on. But some times that in and off itself is difficult.
If you've read this long book, bless your heart!!!! Please keep those prayers coming and not just for the physical but the mental and emotional side of things too. This has not been and easy road to walk through. But I have to trust in God and His plan and timing. Thanks friends....love ya!!!!
Today was most definitely a God moment. My mom and I ran a few errands and then she wanted to go visit her Aunt, my Great Aunt, who is not doing well and I ended up going with. Aunt Vonnie is my Grandmother's youngest sister and has always been a strong woman of faith. I remember when my grandma passed away, she told me that since my grandma was gone, it was now her turn to pray for me and I know that she did. She's been ill for a number of years, but Hospice has been coming in since December and I don't believe she has much time left. It was a humbling afternoon, but God gave me strength and words and I'm so thankful. I was able to have some alone time with her, just the two of us. My mom ran an errand for them and her husband was busy getting some other things done and she kept telling me how tired she was, so I just knelt by her side and prayed over her and finally she fell asleep. I thanked God, for He heard my prayers. Later she woke up and it was still the two of us and she kept saying how tired she was and continued to pray over her and just pray scripture over her and let me tell you this woman knows the Bible inside and out!!!! She whispered to me, your Grandma would be so proud of you. Then I lost it! I had kept myself composed until that point, some tears, but was doing ok. Aunt Vonnie struggles with dementia, but not nearly as bad as my Grandma had it. So told she said things that made sense and somethings that didn't. I don't know if she knows what I've gone through in the past 10 years, but I know she definitely doesn't know what I've gone through in the past year. I did share with her that I've started a new Bible study and was attending a church that I loved and she was thrilled. But when she said my Grandma would be proud, I couldn't keep myself together and even as I type this, the tears are rolling down my face. For my Grandma to be proud of me after all that I've been through would mean so very much to me. Aunt Vonnie promised me she'd give my Grandma a great big hug from me and tell her how much I love and miss her....and she smiled.
At one point during the afternoon she asked me to pray, so I did. When I finished, she asked me when is God going to take me Home? I so want to go home and walk on my own and be healed and no longer in pain. I told her that He has the perfect plan and He will take her home when He's ready, but right now He still has work for her on earth. She cried. She said, I can't do anything, I just lay here in pain. Which I can only imagine how long her days and night must be.
We left and my heart was certainly heavy. I feel convicted to make it a priority to pray fervently and make visits a priority until God calls her Home. Which honestly, for her sake, I pray is soon. She will be greatly missed by many, but she's ready to go to her Heavenly Home where she can be free from pain and with her Heavenly Savior, which whom she has served and devoted her entire life to. She was quoting scripture back to me! Amazing!
I walked away from this afternoon knowing that a year ago I never would have been able to do what I did today. I am by no means trying to brag, but to share what a work God has done in my life and in the process of restoring my faith, I was able to minister to someone in need today. And in turn I was also blessed. I thank God for this afternoon. It was completely unplanned on my part, but God had it planned. I believe it was a divine appointment, a God moment for sure! As extremely difficult as it was to see her in that condition and hurting, God answered prayers today and God gave me words that touched her heart today. God gave me strength and grace. Now my prayer is that I can continue to do so, until God calls her home. Would you pray for me and Aunt Vonnie if the Lord impresses it upon your heart? She is an amazing woman of faith and she longs to be in the arms of her Savior and tonight that is my prayer for her.
It's just been one of those day's. I can't describe what triggered it, but it's been a rough day. I have this sign in my room and it's currently staring me in the face.....
I had no intentions of writing a post, but it's been a rough day and then this sign, yup, like I said is staring me down. It's like God is trying to tell me something. Ya think!?!?!?
As my blog is entitled.....My journey of faith restored. And that's truly what this is for me, it's a day by day process and sometimes challenge(s). I think we all could say that. But as I sat here thinking, of course a song came to mind and that is Not for a Moment by Meredith Andrews, one of my favs. I have to remind myself that not for a moment does God forget about me, or leave me, or forsake me, or anything like that. What a gift, what a promise!!!
Yes, it's 2am and I'm up writing a blog post. I can't sleep and this song came to mind. I feel that it describes where I'm walking in my journey of faith restored right now. Many of my mentors and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ have encouraged me by sharing with me that they have seen such growth in my life. I don't say that to brag, but to glorify God because my journey of faith restored is truly a work in progress and I'm encouraged by this.
This song talks about "it's Your breath in our lungs, so we pour out our praise, pour out our praise, to ONLY YOU!!!" I can feel God work inside of me and changing my life and working in my heart. This post is short and sweet. If you haven't figured out by now, I am very moved and spoken to by music and lyrics. I hope this song touches your heart and speaks to you as it has to me. God bless my friends. Thanks for the continued prayers, love and support....I wouldn't be here without you!!! Love you all!
