To post....or not to post...that is the question?!?!? :)

So the lovely "time hop" feature that Facebook has some up and downs.  Sometimes I love it.  Sometimes I hate it.  Today I hated it.  It reminded me that 8 years ago today I married my 2nd ex-husband.  Yes, 2nd (not bragging about that).  And it was the worst experience of my life.  First of all I married a non-believer, that had my convinced he was a believer.  Secondly, he was trained in the military for his 26 years of service to lie and talk himself out of any situation and he used that to the fullest of his advantage in our marriage and dating life.  Looking back I can now see that with full clarity.  When we were dating, I believed all the lies, because he said everything that I wanted to hear.  What does that have to do with today.  Today would have been our 8th wedding anniversary.  By God's amazing grace, He got me out of that marriage after 4 long, painful, abusive, terrifying years.  There was emotional abuse, there was mental abuse, there was physical abuse, there was mental abuse.  There was rape on many occasions.  Which yes, this can happen when you are married and it is WRONG!!!! And that took me a long time to come to grips with.  There was physical abuse to other family members of mine, not to mention a lot of control of manipulation.  Therefore, now those struggling with PTSD and emotional baggage from the damage that one man did.  I think to a point we all had a "fear" of him, which was wrong, and he used that to his fullest extent.  It was a game to him and he knew how to play it well.  We all had a higher belief in him, we thought he was a better person and believed him when he said he wanted to changed.  It was all words to him, there was no follow-through.  After many attempts at counseling and seeking those with much more wise counsel than us and he still continued the affairs and adultery, I could not continue in a lifestyle such as that, so I filed for divorce.  More than anything it was effecting my health and it was not a healthy place for me to be.  And by far my ex did not see that he was doing anything wrong or that their was anything to repair in our marriage.  So yes, I was the one that filed for divorced.  He held that against me, so I was the "bad guy", at that point it didn't matter to me any longer, I needed to get myself out of that situation.  My parents graciously accepted me back into their home again and that where me and my 4-legged kiddos remain.  It's a daily worked in process, but God is so faithful and I would not be where I am today if it were not for His mercy and grace and never ending love....God is SO good!!!

Forgiven

Lately I've been struggling with feeling forgiven for mistakes and choices that I've made in my past.  Struggling with whether or not they still define me as who I am today.  Struggling with what others think of me because of those things, ie: divorces, walking away from Christ, etc.  Yet in my mind I know that it's not about what others think about me and if they are going to judge me, it's between me & God.  Because ultimately I am forgiven and His grace covers all my sins.  I wish I wasn't self conscious about what others thought about me, or felt that I had to have their "approval".  I think it all stems back to not ever being popular in school, being bullied for many different reasons.  Struggling with self esteem and to a point still struggling with that as an adult.  And then when people judge me about my divorces, it brings those feels right back up.  Due to extensive counseling at church, which has been a total God-send!!!  I know in my heart that this is only the devil trying to gain foothold in my life and I have to not allow him to do that.  I also know in my heart that God's grace and forgiveness covers all my sin and that I am a child of God and I'm forgiven.  My sin is no greater than anyone else's sin.  And when I worry about those judging me, most of them don't even know the story.  They haven't taken the time to ask.  So whatever their issues are with me, is ultimately an issue between them and God, not with me.  Because I've worked it through with God, I'm forgiven.  I am a child of the King, I belong to Him.  He has washed me white as snow and forgiven me as far as the east is from the west....Praise God!!!!  I AM FORGIVEN!!!!!  I just have to sometimes, ok often, remind myself of that and know that my judgment is with God and God alone, not with others in this world!!!  This song so spoke to my heart and that's why I wanted to share this with you.

Long over due update!

It seems like it's been a while since I last posted, so I thought I would update :)

As far as the migraines go, there is no change there.  I started seeing a doctor in Zeeland a couple months ago, Dr. Coller with Integrative Healthcare and went through a number of tests, one being a food sensitivity test and as of last Monday, (April 17th) I started a new diet based on the results of that test.  There is not specific name for the test, so the diet is completely custom to my specific results.  The foods that I showed a sensitivity towards I have to cut out of my diet for the next 5 months and see if it relieves the migraine pain at all.  I will admit the first week has been rough at best!  I had additional migraine pain, which was how my body was handling me no longer eating processed food, sugar...all the bad stuff.  It was an emotional roller coaster for me trying to figure out what was going to be my new "norm" for the next 5 months and trying to figure that out with my migraine fried brain was a bit overwhelming at best!!!  I had many reach out to me and offer suggestions and help and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that!!!  I also learned that I needed to give it completely over to God for this was going to be something I could not do in my own strength, but would need Him to walk with me one day at a time!

But my life is so much more than just migraines, what God is doing in and through me brings me to a great level of excitement!!!  I recently wrapped up my 2nd round of Grace Counseling through church and let me tell you, those months of counseling were amazing.  God walked me through so many things!!!  The most exciting part was rededicating my life to Him on Jan. 6, 2017 during one of our sessions!!!  Praise God!!!  With all that I've been through and walking away from my faith, it was a commitment that needed to be done, I'm so thankful I did it!!!  I've learned that my identity is in Christ, not my migraines.  That my goal is to be in God's Word every day, soaking it up like a sponge and building a closer relationship with Him!!! Yes, the migraines are still there and I have to deal with them, but I don't want them to define me anymore.

I'm so blessed to be apart of a church that loves me, pushes me, cares for me and teaches me!!!  I am so thankful for Harvest West Olive!!!  I am blessed by so many people that God has hand picked and put into my life there.  The other exciting news is that I was recently asked to be a part of the Women's Ministry Leadership Team!  What a huge opportunity for me to use my spiritual gifts that God has given me and give back to others!  I'm so excited!!!!  I still one day want to sing on stage with the Worship Team when my brother is playing drums, that's always been a dream of mine.  One thing that never worked out in our younger days due to the age gap in between us.  I trust God will make that happen one day :)

I am beyond excited for what God is doing in my life!!  Don't get me wrong, I still struggle and stumble and those are the days when I can tell that Satan is having a "hay day"!!!  It just reminds me again, to DAILY seek God and be in His Word.  He is faithful and I am beyond blessed by his grace and mercy He pours out on me day after day.  God is SO good and I am SO thankful!!!!

Lord I Trust You

I heard this song on the radio by Selah.  It's on their new CD coming out.  The words spoke deeply to my heart.  I have listened to it over and over and have prayed that the words would be a reflection of my heart and my desire to trust the Lord with my whole heart!  To let go and let God.  And I know that a saying that is often said.  But I am working hard at letting go of what I have no control over and giving it to God.  Casting my anxieties onto Him because He care for ME!!!  Because He wants to take care of that for me.  He wants me to trust Him!  I don't want to ramble on and take away from the song and it's words, so I'm going to let the song speak for itself, because I think it's powerful!  I hope you are blessed!


"Lord, I Trust You"

It may not seem my heaven it will take
I fear that in the face of trial I'll brake
Any troubles just a day away
Lord, I trust you

The best, the worst of day is yet to come
The glorify regardless of the cost
The magnify where the joy allows
Lord, I trust you

Lord, you are life and sacrifier
Lord, you are the grace that rises higher
Oh there will never be the day that you are not with me
Oh Lord, I trust you

I believe but help my unbelief
Help me go wherever you will lead
Do with me whatever you will please
Lord, I trust you

Lord, you are life and sacrifier
Lord, you are the grace that rises higher
Oh there will never be the day that you are not with me
Oh Lord, I trust you

I can't find the strength to pray
They all seems lost and it's too late, Oh
Cannot fear what comes my way
Then find me faithful in that day
Cause the only hope I have is you will be enough

Lord, you are life and sacrifier
Lord, you are the grace that rises higher
Oh there will never be the day that you are not with me
Oh Lord, I trust you
Oh Lord, I trust you

God IS good!!!!

(2) Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. (3) For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. (4) So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. - James 1: 2-4

For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. - 2 Corinthians 1:5

Therefore, my contentment is not based on my circumstances, nor is my identity in Christ based on my circumstances!!!  I am defined as a child of the King, not a woman dealing with chronic pain.  I am defined as a child of God, not a woman who has been through 2 extremely awful, abusive, horrible marriages that led to divorce.  I am so thankful that through biblical counseling God has opened my eyes and has shown me where my true identity is!!!  For many years I struggled with how I was identified by others.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. - Romans 12:2

This past week was a week of many emotions for me.  A week ago today is when I found a lump on my breast.  It seems like a long time ago!  I haven't gotten a whole lot of sleep.  But hopefully, you have seen my update on FB that the doctor called and the lumps are of no concern at this time. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!  There is bruising to the tissue around the lumps, so I need to keep an eye on the area and go back in 6 months for a recheck, or sooner if anything changes.  Prior to going in for the testing I did have peace and I knew it was in God's hands because in all honesty there really was nothing in my power that I could do to control the situation.  Yes, it was a scare and yes, my mind immediately jumped to worst case scenario as cancer seems to run in my family.  And yet, last night (after I received the report) and was laying in bed for the night I was frustrated with myself for not trusting God more.  God has been SO good, SO faithful, SO gracious, SO loving, SO forgiving....and I could go on and on.  Why did I not just hand it over to Him in the first place?  It would've saved me a lot of stress and anxiety!!!  I'm going to be completely honest and humble with you, I think it boils down to control.  I'm a planner, details, organized and like to have things in order and know what's going to happen & when, etc, etc.  This was not planned, not on my schedule and threw me for one heck of a curveball that I didn't really like.  Even as I battle the chronic migraine pain continuously, I often find myself in my conversations with God asking Him what He's trying to teach me through this phase in my life. Because I do truly believe He's trying to get my attention and teach me something, but I have yet to figure that out, maybe I'm just a really slow learner.  Maybe he's trying to get me to let go, to not be in control?  Maybe He's trying to get my attention and get my focus on Him, when before my focus was certainly not on Him.  I'm not sure, but I'm trying to work through that process and I feel that as I'm faithful to trust Him and deepen my relationship with Him and study His word and be open to listening to Him, that in time He will show me.  I would so covet your prayer support as I continue to walk this amazing journey of growing in my relationship with Christ.  I am so blessed already and God continues to pour over His blessings.  Please pray that I also remain focused on the blessings and not the trials.  God IS good!!!!

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. - Deuteronomy 31:6

This is my prayer tonight, I pray that it may bless your heart as well....

An emotional day....

**I will begin by saying if you read my post from last night, this will make sense to you --- if you have not, you might want to back up on blog post and then ready this one.**

I didn't get much sleep last night, which honestly doesn't surprise me, especially in situations like this, my brain just doesn't shut down.  I actually came upstairs a while ago in attempts to take a nap and that's not working to well either.

God very often speaks to me through music.  I love music, I love to sing and I love that as a form of Worship to our Savior.  For me, it's a time between God and I and so often the words seem so appropriate for what I'm going through.  Love how God words that way!!!

As I laid in bed unable to sleep last night, this one of the many songs that came to mind and specifically this couple singing it.  If you don't know their amazing story you should most definitely check it out, talk about faith in Christ!!!!  (http://www.thislifeilive.com/)  It's an oldie song, but still the words are so very true!!!

And this song clearly speaks for itself....Lord, I Need You, EVERY hour I need you!!!!


I'm praying firmly that my faith would not waiver during this times of yet another trial.  It's in God's hands.  Please pray that each day I would remind myself of that, or maybe multiple times a day!!!!

To share or not to share...

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." - Psalms 46:1
"Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." - Prov. 3:5

I know that God is working in my life and doing great things.  I'm SO thankful that He is a gracious, forgiving, loving, tenderhearted, compassionate God that desires me to know Him on such a deep level and have a relationship with Him not matter what my past may look like, or the many poor choice I have made.  My sins have been paid for and I'm so undeserving of His never ending love, but yet He extends it to me!!!  As I dive into His Word and deepen my relationship with Him, I humbled by His love for me, His forgiveness of my multitude of sins, and how much He desires to work in my life.

While I battle chronic pain every day and all that comes along with that (which is a lot), I know God is in control.  I know He could reach down and heal me, but at this point in time that is not His plan.  In my humanness, there are days where I struggle with that, and then I have to remind myself that through it all God is growing me and using me through this trial.  He has a plan.  It's difficult at best on the days of extreme pain, but I'm learning to try and find verses to cling to and claim on those days.

You might wonder where I am headed, well I'm not really sure how to transition into it, other than just lay it out there.  It might be premature to share the information, but I've always been an open person and mostly because I believe firmly in the power of prayer and that is what I need right now.  Yesterday I found a lump on my breast.  Needless to say it brought on a bit of anxiety.  Number one, that's not supposed to be there (duh, I know).  Number two, my dad had prostate cancer at a very young age, which puts me at a higher risk for getting breast cancer.  Number three, really Lord, really!?!?!?  Just being honest.  My first thought, was not, thank you Lord that I'm feeling this lump.  I was getting ready to head out for another appt, so I quickly called my OBGYN office and they wanted my doc to check it out today. So I didn't have much time to think about it yesterday.  So this afternoon I had a nail appt and I was fine there, they had Christian music playing and I was soaking it all in.  Got to my car, knowing I needed to drive to my doctor appt for my exam and I couldn't move.  I managed to get to the doctor's office and got in the room and was waiting for the doc.  Side note, can I just say that gowns are no fun to begin with, but I don't know if it's just an OB office thing, but they use paper gowns, which I just personally think are awful.  Sitting wrapped up in paper.  I mean, really?!?!?!  Anyway, as I sat there, my tattoo was like sticking out in my face.

It was me & God in the room.  The tears just started flowing.  I was praying the doctor didn't walk in while I was having my moment with God.  There was a reason I got this tattoo and it was so I was always visibly reminded to think about my faith.  It wasn't for others to see, it was a reminder for me!  I have no control of this situation or the outcome, no matter how anxious I get, no matter how worried I get.  It's in God's hands and He already knows the outcome.  So as I stared at my tattoo, I began to question myself.  Am I letting myself waiver in my faith?  I've come so far, God has done great things in my life!  Am I going to let this challenge my faith?  Because the reality is, God's got this!!

So the doctor comes in, who is a very nice lady.  And she could tell I was anxious.  She did the exam and actually found a 2nd lump near the 1st lump that I had found.  So the next step is some testing.  I will start with an ultrasound and mammogram.  Then depending on those results I could get called back for a 2nd mammogram and a biopsy.  If we get that far then we would determine a course of action based on the biopsy results.  So, at this point I'm waiting until Monday morning (*sigh* of course it's the weekend) for them to call me to get those first 2 tests scheduled.  My doctors assured me that they usually get "these" types of tests scheduled rather quickly, knowing people are anxious for results.

I know I just recently shared this song, but I heard it again at my nail appt before my OB appt and I think it's completely appropriate for where I'm at right now.  I just need God to hold me.



What can you do?  Just keep me in your prayers.  Pray that I would remain focused on God and that He is in control, that He's got this.