"Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." - Prov. 3:5
I know that God is working in my life and doing great things. I'm SO thankful that He is a gracious, forgiving, loving, tenderhearted, compassionate God that desires me to know Him on such a deep level and have a relationship with Him not matter what my past may look like, or the many poor choice I have made. My sins have been paid for and I'm so undeserving of His never ending love, but yet He extends it to me!!! As I dive into His Word and deepen my relationship with Him, I humbled by His love for me, His forgiveness of my multitude of sins, and how much He desires to work in my life.
While I battle chronic pain every day and all that comes along with that (which is a lot), I know God is in control. I know He could reach down and heal me, but at this point in time that is not His plan. In my humanness, there are days where I struggle with that, and then I have to remind myself that through it all God is growing me and using me through this trial. He has a plan. It's difficult at best on the days of extreme pain, but I'm learning to try and find verses to cling to and claim on those days.
You might wonder where I am headed, well I'm not really sure how to transition into it, other than just lay it out there. It might be premature to share the information, but I've always been an open person and mostly because I believe firmly in the power of prayer and that is what I need right now. Yesterday I found a lump on my breast. Needless to say it brought on a bit of anxiety. Number one, that's not supposed to be there (duh, I know). Number two, my dad had prostate cancer at a very young age, which puts me at a higher risk for getting breast cancer. Number three, really Lord, really!?!?!? Just being honest. My first thought, was not, thank you Lord that I'm feeling this lump. I was getting ready to head out for another appt, so I quickly called my OBGYN office and they wanted my doc to check it out today. So I didn't have much time to think about it yesterday. So this afternoon I had a nail appt and I was fine there, they had Christian music playing and I was soaking it all in. Got to my car, knowing I needed to drive to my doctor appt for my exam and I couldn't move. I managed to get to the doctor's office and got in the room and was waiting for the doc. Side note, can I just say that gowns are no fun to begin with, but I don't know if it's just an OB office thing, but they use paper gowns, which I just personally think are awful. Sitting wrapped up in paper. I mean, really?!?!?! Anyway, as I sat there, my tattoo was like sticking out in my face.
It was me & God in the room. The tears just started flowing. I was praying the doctor didn't walk in while I was having my moment with God. There was a reason I got this tattoo and it was so I was always visibly reminded to think about my faith. It wasn't for others to see, it was a reminder for me! I have no control of this situation or the outcome, no matter how anxious I get, no matter how worried I get. It's in God's hands and He already knows the outcome. So as I stared at my tattoo, I began to question myself. Am I letting myself waiver in my faith? I've come so far, God has done great things in my life! Am I going to let this challenge my faith? Because the reality is, God's got this!!
So the doctor comes in, who is a very nice lady. And she could tell I was anxious. She did the exam and actually found a 2nd lump near the 1st lump that I had found. So the next step is some testing. I will start with an ultrasound and mammogram. Then depending on those results I could get called back for a 2nd mammogram and a biopsy. If we get that far then we would determine a course of action based on the biopsy results. So, at this point I'm waiting until Monday morning (*sigh* of course it's the weekend) for them to call me to get those first 2 tests scheduled. My doctors assured me that they usually get "these" types of tests scheduled rather quickly, knowing people are anxious for results.
I know I just recently shared this song, but I heard it again at my nail appt before my OB appt and I think it's completely appropriate for where I'm at right now. I just need God to hold me.
What can you do? Just keep me in your prayers. Pray that I would remain focused on God and that He is in control, that He's got this.
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