Oh, where do I even begin?!?!? I posted on FB last night that God had really worked in my heart and life last night and promised to share more, so I decided I would journal through a blog.
I will try to briefly (I said try) give a short version of the the past 34 years of my life and what has led me to where I am today. I was raised in a Christian home and came to accept Christ at a young age. I grew up attending church and was very involved in church, youth group, volunteering, etc. I was never popular growing up, I was often picked on (what they now call bullying) and I carried that negativity with me and still struggle from time to time. After college I just really wanted to be married and have a family, I clung to the first guy that showed interest in me, much to many of my family and friends displeasure. I married him and 2 years later we were divorced. I was 23 and divorced and felt like I was starting life all over again. I spent several years dating and could write a book on all the awful experiences I had, but just when I came to accept being single, my 2nd husband came into my life. I married him and almost 4 years later we were divorced. So that brought me to being 33 and 2 times divorced. It felt like a bad dream, like this had to be someone else's life. I was raised in a Christian home, as I mentioned, and knew that God's desire was for marriage to be for life. I also after much time realized that God's desire was not for me to be in a marriage (or any relationship for that matter) where there was emotional, verbal and physical abuse. Where mine and others safety was at risk, along with infidelity and many lies. This is only the surface of why I made the choice to move forward with divorce in both situations. To say the least that portion of my life has been more than difficult. Through it all I also fought many health issues, surgeries, job losses, moves and found my faith in God slipping and questioning why God would allow ALL these things to happen to me in a short amount of time. I am fairly certain I felt every emotion across the spectrum of emotions. I was judged by others which only made it worse for me. I made poor choices (clearly), some of which I am still paying the price for. I seem to be a slow learner.
So.....currently I am 34, divorced twice, lost my job, so therefore unemployed and had to put my house up for sale and move back in with my parents, again. I lost my job the end of October and it was really a tough hit. I was finally back in my house, had made it my home again and loved it. My world was quickly being turned upside down again. Some other things took place that left me in a bad situation financially and had no choice but to make the decisions that have led me to where I am now. I struggled for months with having to sell my home....it might be a house to everyone else, but to me it was my home, it was my independence and it meant a lot to me. I struggled with every area of my life. I was miserable and if it were not for the fact that my niece was born the day after I lost my job, I don't know what I would've done. I consumed myself with her and helping my brother's family with the addition of their new baby. It was rewarding for me and it gave me joy, something I didn't have. But as much as I tried to distract myself with family and trying to ignore reality, it still lingered and I had to make some decisions that I didn't want to make and that were extremely difficult for me. Through this all I knew I needed to desperately get back on track with God and my trust and faith in Him, but I put up a wall. Meanwhile, I had many praying for me and the wall started to come down. It's been a slow process but I feel that my spiritual health is finally getting back to where it needs to be. A few months ago I started attending my brothers church and found that I was accepted, cared for and ministered to by people that didn't even know me. Slowly, I started working through my lack of faith. My brother has graciously, gently been reminding me that I am exactly where God wants me to be. It took me a while to even want to hear those words. Once I began to slowly accept those words and wrap my heart around it, did my faith begin to change. I knew God was working in my heart and life and I knew many were praying for me and I felt my faith in God coming around. Don't get me wrong, I have a long ways to go and I honestly feel that I will always be a work in progress, but I do feel that I have made great strides in my spiritual health. My brother and his wife have a small group that meets at their house weekly. I've had many invites to come, I of course put it off until last night. I went. I was anxious. I was worried about what they would think about me. And I can tell you that I left feeling full of joy and peace that only comes from above and it was due to the ministry of this small group. I sat there thinking, duh Kylea, these people are your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, they have lifted me in prayer, they have helped me move, they have been the hands and feet of God and not given up. So when it came time to share my testimony, I did. And all I received was encouragement and prayer, not judgement (like I'm used to). I left and was driving home knowing 100% that I am currently exactly where God wants me to be in life. Just as my dear brother has been so kindly reminding me of for months. I am beyond excited to be a part of this small group and continue to see where God will lead. I feel a peace about selling my home and knowing that was God's plan for me right now. I fell a peace about living with my parents....again at the age of 34! :) I still am fighting other "battles" in my journey which I call life, but last night I made a huge leap in my faith in God. I know that there will be difficult days ahead, I know there are things in my life that I need to deal with, even though I would rather ignore them. This might not seem like a big deal to some, but for me it was huge. Even after writing all of this, I feel like I still can't describe the transformation that I feel inside...it's a God thing!
I am so thankful for my family, friends, and new friends that have never given up on me and continued to cover me in prayer and faithfully support and love me. I am blessed. I have issues to work through and am going to counseling to work through those things. I have baggage because the reality is that in my 34 years of life, I've been through a lot. I pray that God will somehow use me to minister to others due to what I have been through, it's made me the person that I am. Right now, my prayer is that God would work in my life and that I would be open to the changes He has in store for me and His plan.
I hope this made sense, I am just sort of doing this journal style and if you have reached this point, bless you for reading all of this :)
Again, I am a work in progress!!!
~Kylea
